“coworker calls me his “work wife,” error in my offer letter, and more” plus 3 more Ask a Manager

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coworker calls me his “work wife,” error in my offer letter, and more

Posted: 21 Mar 2018 09:03 PM PDT

It's five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker calls me his "work wife”

A couple of months ago, I joined a new team at work, in a role that is somewhat isolated from the rest of the group. So I was glad when another junior staff member who had joined the team a bit earlier reached out and showed me the ropes. As we grew more friendly, we also started sitting next to one another (our office has open seating with no assigned desks), and chatting occasionally during the day. Our remarks were always casual, and though they were not strictly work-related, we never discussed deep or personal topics. So, I was surprised when one day, he began referring to me as his "work wife."

At first, it was simply in reference to that fact that someone had sat at the desk I usually claimed, breaking up our "marriage." But in the next few days, he repeated the comment a couple times, once to another colleague. The term "work wife" makes me uncomfortable as it overstates our relationship, and may have a dubious connotation. As a young woman, I worry that it may undermine my professionalism. On the other hand, this colleague uses the term so casually that I don't think he means anything by it. He is also on my level and does not work on any of the same projects as me, so there is no threat to my performance here.

Am I right to find the term "work wife" strange or is it actually commonly accepted? Either way, how do you think I should proceed here? I don't want to alienate one of my only friends on my team by bringing this up as some kind of big problem or having a serious talk, but I would rather not deal with these comments.

It's a common enough term (along with "work husband" and "work spouse") to refer to someone at work who you're close with and get along with uncommonly well (and can be same sex or opposite sex), although it sounds like he's using it where the relationship doesn't really warrant it. Either way, though, you don't have to like it and you're allowed to tell him to stop.

It would be fine to say something to your coworker like, "Hey, I don't love that term. Let's just say 'coworkers.'"

2. My work is excellent but I can't get promoted

I work at a very large company in a support role, it is basically glorified data entry, but it can call for a little critical thinking in some cases. I out-perform my coworkers by a large margin. On a team of 14 people, I account for 30% of the total productivity on any given day (on busy days, it is 50%). We are assigned work through "tickets,” and when we resolve an issue, we close a ticket. We are able to view how many total tickets the team closed every day, as well as how many we closed ourselves, which is how I have calculated my results.

Management is aware of this and of my aspirations to move up within the company, and they even “fight” for me to get that promotion (at least they say they do) but HR won’t grant the requests due to my lack of time with the company (four years). I would be okay with this if I wasn’t pulling all of the weight and having nothing to show for it.

Management will do things like nominate me for awards, discretionary bonuses, and extra PTO, which is great, but I feel like they are avoiding the real issue, which is the rest of their workforce. What will they do when I am gone? Are they holding me in this position because they know they will be in trouble if they lose me? Am I wrong in asking them to enforce their productivity metrics or raise the bar in order to light a flame under my coworkers? I understand that lazy people are everywhere, but I can’t help but feel as though I am being used as a crutch holding up the weight of our department.

They won't promote you because you've only been there four years? When you said it was due to lack of time with the company, I thought you were going to say you'd only been there six months or something like that. Four years?! That's ridiculous. At every other company in the world, that's more than enough time to overcome any tenure rules about promotion.

So either they have a bizarrely ridiculous rule about length of tenure (have they told you how long you'd need to be there before they'd consider it? is it, like, a century? are they all vampires?) or they're keeping you in your position because you're doing the work of four people.

"Top performer on a 14-person team, resolving 30-50% of daily tickets" is an excellent line for your resume. Go use it and find a job that rewards you appropriately.

3. Do I need to organize social outings for my staff?

I manage a staff of about 15 people whose offices are scattered across our company’s campus, so there are many members of my team that I won’t see/won’t see each other if it’s not intentional. For our team to function well, it’s important that we communicate and collaborate. To that end, we have standing meetings, regular professional development sessions and occasional group trips to industry conferences, an orientation process that emphasizes getting to know the rest of the department, etc. … all specifically work-day activities.

Previously, I had a couple of staff members who initiated regular happy hours and other social activities, as well. I was grateful for them because when the work day ends, while I truly enjoy my colleagues, I can’t wait to go home to my family and read a book in the bath with a glass of wine after dinner. I am also reluctant to be the organizer of happy hours because I don’t want to create "Ugh, I have to go out after work to make my boss happy” situations. That said, I know many people do like to socialize! With coworkers! And when someone else organized a happy hour, I went for a drink when I could — it was fun and low-key and there was usually a good crowd. I realized recently, however, that after some normal turnover, the main “social directors” are gone and no one has stepped up to take their place. Do I need to take this on? Or can I just go home and lock the door behind me?

You do not need to take this on! You do need to ensure that your team has opportunities to interact and collaborate, and it sounds like you're doing that. There is nothing that says "and some of those opportunities needs to be after work or with alcohol."

If you really want to address it, you could say to your whole team, "I've realized that since Jane and Fergus left, we haven't had many happy hours or other social activities since they were generally the organizers. If anyone misses doing those, feel free to organize them! I'm not going to do it myself since I wouldn't want anyone to feel pressure to attend. But it's fine if you want to! And fine if you don't, too."

4. There's an error in my offer letter

I recently received an offer from a great company, and the director of the program personally called to extend the offer. When negotiating salary over the phone, the director and I agreed on an hourly pay rate. The pay is not the best and much of the currency comes from getting a foot in this company’s door.

However, I just got my offer letter via email. The letter reflects an annual salary that ends up being less than our agreed upon hourly rate (and it has no mention of the hourly rate we discussed via phone). When I asked if our previously agreed upon hourly rate was used, the director sent me her formula. She calculated 40 hours per week x 4 weeks a month x 12 months a year x my hourly pay rate. Basically, her formula mistakenly uses 48 weeks in a year instead of the correct amount of 52 (essentially shorting me 4 weeks of accumulated pay).

It seems like my only option is to call out the director (whom I’ve met once and is essentially my future boss’s boss’s boss) on her math skills. She’s extremely accomplished, regarded for her intelligence, and generally comes across as someone who does not like to be corrected. How do I advocate for the correct pay without embarrassing her?

If she's worth working for, she's not going to penalize you for pointing out that she's shorting you a month's worth of pay! Truly — and if she seems to be holding it against you, that's a huge red flag.

Just be matter of fact! For example: "Ah, it looks like you calculated it using 48 weeks in the year rather than 52. At 52 weeks in a year, it should be $X. Can you confirm that on your end?"

5. I spent 45 minutes helping a student and heard nothing back

I am an allied health practitioner who is sometimes approached by students from the local university for informational interviews or to answer questions about the way I work. I am happy to assist where I can — other professionals in my field certainly gave me similar access during my own training. I suspect that the course faculty are suggesting me as a contact for students because of my willingness here.

A student recently emailed me a set of (numerous) questions about the way I work, my thoughts on the industry, etc. It took about 45 minutes to work through it, so it wasn’t an insignificant request. I am a bit taken aback that the student didn’t reply to acknowledge my response or say thank you. Judging from the question design, I think the student sent it to several practitioners at least.

I feel like I’m saying “I DESERVE GRATITUDE” but really I’m thinking “THIS KID IS GOING TO ALIENATE HALF OF THE LOCAL PRACTITIONERS," which is hardly fair on the next student who wants help.

It felt unprofessional, as well as a bit discourteous. Am I just being petty? I’m aware that students are often still developing their understanding of professional norms. I’m wondering if I should email the course tutor and suggest they remind students to follow up with an acknowledgement when they’ve asked for someone’s time, without naming the student involved. Would that be an overreaction?

Not at all. It would be doing their students a favor. I encourage you to do it — and be specific about what happened, that you're happy to help but you spent 45 minutes answering numerous questions and heard not a peep back afterwards.

You could also email the student and say, "I haven't heard back from you and want to make sure you received this. Assuming you did, I want to mention that courtesy is enormously important in this field (as in most others), and you will alienate people if you don't acknowledge their time or assistance."

"Arya” and I were classmates in college. We were in the same year and did the same major. We've known each other for 16 years and have worked together twice; one time she was my manager and the other time I was hers. We often attend the same work-related conferences and exchange thoughts on articles that appear in industry publications. Our relationship is a professional one, although I did attend her wedding because her husband was in the same fraternity as me, and she did introduce me to my future husband at a networking charity event. Besides her wedding, we have never talked outside of work or a networking event.

I was hiring for a position and one of the promising candidates was working for Arya and had put her down as a reference. Arya sung her praises and told me she was the best employee in the department. The position I was hiring for would be a promotion for the candidate, and Arya said there was no room for promotion in her department at the moment. Based on Arya’s glowing review and the same from another manager there (and her strong resume), I hired her.

It was a catastrophe. Her work was sloppy and disorganized. She struggled to do basic tasks, missed deadlines, and was sometimes cold to her coworkers and clients. She was asked to take point on a project because her resume listed a similar project, and it went so far off the rails we had to bring in outside help to get it back on track. I know a promotion and new company can be an adjustment, but she was incompetent beyond having to adjust to a new place. Her mistakes cost us so much money she had to be fired.

When I spoke to Arya the first time, she played dumb. The second time, she admitted to lying about how good the candidate was because she was tired of dealing with her mistakes and wanted her gone. She told the candidate she wouldn’t fire her if she quickly left on her own and promised a good reference in exchange. The other manager agreed to do the same thing when Arya asked him to. Arya also told the candidate to lie about how long she worked there to make it seem like she was there longer and to put the project on her resume even though she wasn’t point on it. Arya said it was business and nothing personal.

After she was fired, my boss told me the bad candidate is being investigated by federal authorities for regulatory violations from her time at Arya’s company. The investigation started just when we were interviewing her, and Arya knew about it and didn’t tell me. The other manager is also being investigated for the same violations, which is how Arya got him to lie about the candidate. If the candidate had not left her job there, she would have been fired when word of the investigation got out. We had another candidate who worked for Arya, and Arya told me he was a mediocre employee who does the bare minimum. He just won two different prestigious industry awards. Arya also admitted to lying about him because she didn’t want him to leave. He still works at the same company as her.

I'm angry. She knowingly lied to me. I put stock in her opinion because of our relationship. I feel stupid and duped. I’m afraid making such a bad hire and passing up a good candidate will make me look bad and affect my career. My boss and her boss are upset about this debacle, and everyone knows something is up because the regulators came in when they found out the candidate worked here. They haven’t found anything yet but everyone is still nervous. The other manager who lied about the bad candidate has already been arrested and, based on what the bad candidate is accused of, she will likely be arrested soon also. (Arya cooperated with authorities, isn’t being investigated, and isn’t accused of doing anything against regulations.)

I don't plan on talking to Arya again beyond being arms-length and professionally cool if I run into her at a conference and others are present. I'm not even sure if I can go to her boss because I don't have any proof beyond her telling me verbally. Whether I knew her or not, the lie was egregious. Do I tell her boss? Do I confront her or leave it alone? She didn't show any guilt or apologize to me.

Wow, Arya behaved horribly.

It's bad enough when references lie in order to pass a problem employee on to someone else — instead of doing their own job and firing the person if it’s needed. That's crappy, and it's negligent. But doing it to someone you've known for 16 years — someone who was at your wedding! — is a whole new level of audacity. And then add in that she gave the candidate her blessing to lie about both her tenure and her work, and that she knew the person was under federal investigation, and that she also lied to keep a good employee from getting a job somewhere else, and Arya is officially an awful person.

As for whether to tell her boss about this … Do you know her boss at all? Or does your boss? If neither of you do, I wouldn't just call up out of the blue — but if there's any relationship there at all, then yeah, I'd detail all of this to her. You don't need proof in order to say something; you can just factually explain what Arya did, and that she admitted it to you.

I also wouldn't be shy about sharing with others what she did. You should feel free to warn people in your field not to trust references from her, and to explain why. What she did should be a reputation-ruiner, and you're not under any obligation to shield her from that.

As for confronting Arya herself … I would. This isn't a situation where you have anything to gain by doing that so you may decide not to bother, but certainly on principle you have every right to tell Arya how unethical and unacceptable her multiple lies were. And in response to her claim that it's "just business," you can tell her that ethics apply in business too and that her professional credibility is shattered.

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