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“I’m supposed to hide that I was a stay-at-home mom, rude receptionist, and more” plus 3 more Ask a Manager

“I’m supposed to hide that I was a stay-at-home mom, rude receptionist, and more” plus 3 more Ask a Manager


I’m supposed to hide that I was a stay-at-home mom, rude receptionist, and more

Posted: 22 Mar 2018 09:03 PM PDT

It's five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I was told to hide that I used to be a stay-at-home mom

I had a very strange review yesterday, where my boss shared some feedback that she received from another leader in our organization. Basically I was told that I should stop telling people that I was once a stay-at home mom, as it could negatively impact my growth in this organization.

To be clear, this is not something that generally comes up in my work environment and it's certainly not something I regularly talk about as I have been back to work for six years now and my work has nothing to do with kids or parenting. Over that period I have successfully grown from an individual contributor to a manager and recently to a director-level position. My reviews have all be stellar and my boss was clearly uncomfortable sharing this feedback, but share she did.

It took me a bit to realize where the feedback originated and then I recalled that last year I was nominated to work on a special project designed to elevate the visibility of emerging leaders in the organization. The year-long project involved designing a product intended for stay-at-home moms. Through the course of this project, there were times that certain designs resonated with me and I would say something like, "when I was a stay-at-home mom, this would really have helped me." It was always in the context of how my personal experience could help us create a better product. I honestly don't think the feedback related to me sharing this information too frequently, but was intended as a caution to share this information at all.

I don't think having been a stay-at-home mom is a dirty little secret to keep hidden; in fact, I am proud of the work I did during those years, which included both hard work at home and balancing several volunteer leadership roles. I feel like I am being asked to adjust my narrative to cater to someone else's bias and I am disappointed in my boss that she shared it with me. On the other hand … well, is there another hand? Should I just let this go as another example of bias that exists and through which I need to navigate? Or should I have a heart-to-heart with my boss highlighting how inappropriate this was? I would love some advice about what to do with this strange feedback.

Yeah, that's messed up.

Is the person who shared this feedback with your boss someone who will have a lot of influence on your career in this company? If so, I'd take it as a useful information about things that might unfairly impact you in this company. But if she's not, I wouldn't put a ton of weight on it; she's one person with a kooky viewpoint.

But I do think it's worth going back to your boss and saying something like, "I've been thinking about the feedback you passed on to me from Jane about not saying that at one point I was a stay-at-home mom. I haven't been able to make any sense of it — many people are stay-at-home parents at some point in their lives, and many go on to have successful careers. I'm curious to know your take on what she said. Do you agree with her, or does it seem like off-base feedback to you?"

You might find out that she thinks it's ridiculous but felt obligated to pass it along (either because the person is influential enough that it seemed relevant or because she's one of those managers who passes along everything without applying her own judgment to it). Or you might find out she agrees, which would be useful to know about her. Depending on how the conversation goes, at some point you might say, "I think we're in dangerous territory if we're saying the company would be biased against moms who used to stay home with their kids. If leaders here really think that, that's awfully unfriendly to women and parents, and seems like a potential legal liability."

2. Our receptionist is rude to people

We have a coordinator in our office who is our receptionist. She's the first to answer the phone, and she is the first one clients see when they walk in the door. A big part of her job is customer service, but lately I've received complaints about her interactions with people — two from other departments and two from customers.

It has been very surprising to me because she is so friendly with me and the manager in the office (it's just us three in our office). She's upbeat, bubbly, friendly, etc. My office is in the back of our suite, so I cannot overhear her interactions with people, and same for the manager. The complaints I have received say that she is rude, difficult to work with, unfriendly, etc., but when I asked for the specific conversation no one has been able to say “I said X and she said Y."

I've spoken with her once about this in the past because I had received other complaints. During the conversation, she got very quiet and just said she'd do better. She didn't try to rebut the complaints or say they were wrong. It seemed like there was improvement based on some of my office creeping (literally standing around the corner while she was on the phone so I could overhear). But today I got two more complaints, same with the rude, unfriendly, etc. and no specific example. One of the complainers asked me if there was a way to work directly with me as he wanted to avoid any interaction with the front desk because he says it is so bad.

I obviously need to do something, but I'm not sure how to fix this since I already talked to her once. Other than this, she is a stellar employee. Her work is quick, perfect, and she's very proactive. I've asked before if she felt overwhelmed and she said no. I thought maybe that could have been causing her stress and that's where the behavior came from. What do you think? How do I handle this the second time around? I really like her and see her moving up in our office. She's rather young and this is one of her first jobs so then I wondered if maybe it could be inexperience? But maybe I like her so much that I'm just trying to make excuses for her.

If people aren't telling you that it's about specific language, my bet is that it's about manner — that she's coming across as annoyed, brusque, put-upon, or unhelpful. You shouldn't drill customers for details, but go back to the internal complaints you've received and ask those people to tell you more about what's going on. (Frame this as "I want to better understand so that I can coach her," not as "you need to prove this to me before I act on it.")

Then, talk to your receptionist. Tell her about the feedback you're hearing and ask what she thinks is going on. This should be a dialogue — not just you relaying the complaints and telling her she needs to do better. Really talk to her and try to figure out what's happening and why.

It's reasonable to have one of the measures of success for her job be "people come away from their interactions with you feeling you were warm and helpful." Be very clear to her about that, and paint a picture of what that looks like — for example, "If you're stressed or annoyed by a request, the person you're talking to shouldn't pick up on that. We want them to feel that you're looking for ways to make their lives easier, rather than that they're inconveniencing you." You might even try role-playing some particularly tricky interactions and coaching her on how to respond.

But ultimately, you can't have someone in that role who's alienating people, especially customers. So really stay on this — find more opportunities to observe when she's talking to people, and follow up with other people internally for feedback. Now that you know there's a problem, you want to proactively monitor it — don't just wait to see if other complaints show up.

3. I don't want my partner to take a job on my team

I was recently hired after a months-long job search because a friend (Fergus) recommended me for a position in his company (Company X). I'm really excited about the work and I liked the team and manager when I met them in the interview. I'll start in a few weeks.

My partner has also been looking for a job for the last several months; he is quite miserable at his current company. He and I work in the same field, so Fergus recommended him for a position at Company X as well. It now looks like Company X is moving forward with my partner's application, and will be interviewing him in the upcoming week. He will be interviewing for the same team that hired me. The position for which he is interviewing does not report to mine, or vice versa.

Before I accepted the job, I didn't think that I would have a problem with Company X interviewing both my partner and me. Now that I have the position, though, I'm having second thoughts about working together. I'd like to think we can be completely professional with each other at work, but I recognize that working on the same team as your partner has many potential pitfalls (professional and personal). I brought this up with my partner, who acknowledges my concern but wants to move forward with the interview. He thinks any awkwardness that might result from our working together would be worth it if he can leave his current position.

I'd feel pretty selfish about asking my partner to withdraw his application from Company X, knowing how miserable he is now. But I'm really concerned and tempted to push back harder. Is it reasonable to not want to work on the same team as your partner? Am I overreacting, especially since he doesn't have the job yet?

I also have a few logistical questions about this. If Company X continues to be interested in his application, when/how/by whom should our relationship be reported? And if Company X hires him, what kinds of boundaries do successful coworker couples negotiate to keep everyone on the team comfortable and maintain professionalism?

It is so reasonable not to want to work on the same team as your partner. There are all sorts of ways that it can end up being bad for your personally and professionally. You aren't overreacting — this is a really big thing, and it's not the kind of thing your partner should move forward with if you're not okay with it.

I get that you'd feel selfish about vetoing it since he's so unhappy with his current job, but it truly does have the potential to cause real problems for both of you. And what he’s proposing would be a fundamental change to the conditions of your own new job, which you should get to sign off on. I get that he's unhappy in his current job and desperate to get out, but he does have a job; taking this one isn't the difference between him being able to eat and not being able to eat. And there are other jobs and other teams out there.

If he moves forward anyway, he should alert his interviewer to the relationship — saying something like, "I should mention that my partner, Jane Smith, was just hired on this team and starts in a few weeks. I wanted to up-front about that in case you wouldn't want both of us working on the same team." And there's advice here about boundaries you'd both need to have. But I really hope he won't move forward with this if you tell him you're not comfortable with it.

4. My student employee lied on his resume and said he was a director

I managed a student employee, Benjen, for about six months. Those were a tumultuous six months where we had a lot going on, absent directors, etc. I got a new job and Benjen, a part-time grad student, had to step into my old role more than he should have had to. I was happy to stay in contact with him and help him where I could after I left. Benjen was in way over his head and it wasn’t his fault.

When he left a few months later, I was happy to help with his resume. He was a great employee! Well, after a few revisions he sent me his final resume … and he claimed he was the director of the department for the ENTIRE job duration. He was never even full-time, and I wasn’t even a director. That was two levels above me.

I dropped the ball in responding to his last resume, which was months ago. I was so mad at his self-promotion that I just didn’t respond. 

Now I’ve been contacted by someone for a reference on him and it turns out I’m still angry and I’m not sure how to give a reference. HE WASN’T A DIRECTOR!

Tell the truth. This is the whole point of references — as a way to verify the information candidates are self-reporting and to learn more about them. Talk to the reference checker and be very clear that he was a student employee, not a director. (And if you can only speak to the six months where you overlapped, be clear about what those dates were. If there's any chance he was actually given the director title after you left — which sounds very unlikely — you want to be clear about that and careful to say that you're only speaking to the time period you were there.)

Frankly, it also makes sense to write back to Benjen now and say, "I'm confused about the title you've listed. You were a part-time student employee while you worked with me, not a director. You definitely can't send it out with this on it."

5. How often is too often to have a reference contact a firm I'm interviewing with?

I’m wrapping up a graduate program in just a couple months and am currently job searching in my city. I’ve been lucky enough to have a short-term job for the past year in my new field where the managers I work for have offered to be generous with their advice and connections as I search.

I recently applied to a job at a related firm where one of the managers I’ve worked with over the year has connections. I asked him to put in a good word for me, which he did with someone who is not the hiring manager, and I’m not sure if the message got through to the hiring manager. I did receive a first round interview, and now, after a month delay, have been asked back for a second interview. This interview will be with the hiring manager and a staff member of the firm’s client, with which the open position works regularly. This staff member is another person that my manager knows and with whom he shares professional contacts and interests.

Should I ask my manager to put in another good word for me to the firm’s client? How many times can I ask for these kinds of favors from my generous manager (particularly as this would be two for the same job), before I “overask my welcome"? Assuming this potential employer did get the message the first time, how many of these kinds of informal references are helpful as opposed to annoying? And just generally, any advice on using informal references to get your resume to the top of a pile or to reinforce an interview?

You've already used this reference for this job, so I wouldn't use him again for the same job; that would be overkill. If the firm handles input about candidates well, they will have shared the reference's feedback with the hiring manager, and it would be odd to then have the same reference approach that client as well.

If there you have other references who know the hiring manager, you could have one or two of them contact her. But only if they know her, and only if they haven't already mentioned you to her previously.

I’m supposed to hide that I was a stay-at-home mom, rude receptionist, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

am I sabotaging my former intern’s job prospects?

Posted: 22 Mar 2018 10:59 AM PDT

A reader writes:

About two and a half years ago, I was hired by a cultural organization as their only staff person. While the job was not without its challenges, it was a great learning experience and I excelled in my role, which has greatly boosted my professional reputation in my area (it’s a small field in my city).

One of my roles was as the intern manager. My first intern came on board in my second month at the organization, and she seemed a good — but not great — intern. She produced good results and was eager to learn, but she worked slowly, needed a lot of coaching, had little initiative, and there were complaints about finding her asleep or on personal calls. However, due to the closeness in age (she was only a year younger than me) and it being my first intern, we bonded, which led to me not being as effective a manager and essentially not addressing her performance issues. I know now that this was a great disservice to her, although at the time I thought I was being kind.

She initially stayed on as a volunteer after her internship ended, and I wanted to give her something she could list as an accomplishment on her resume. So I gave her some authority over a new project I was designing, and told her that while we couldn’t pay her, she would work with me and get recognition in the industry (I had done something similar at an internship I had, and it really benefited me). However, she was dissatisfied that we couldn’t pay her, and expressed that by showing up three hours late to a four-hour shift, spending her time on personal calls, or just not showing up at all. I ended up having to end her volunteering with the organization.

Fast forward two years, and we were hiring for my replacement. She applied, but did not mention her experience as an intern at the organization, nor did she reference it in any way on her cover letter. As someone my board trusted, I was asked to give my opinion on her candidacy, and based on my feedback she was rejected without an interview. I felt some misgivings — it had been two years and she could have gotten her act together — but mostly I was glad that the organization would find a good person for my role.

Well, recently, her name came up again! At a part-time job where I pick up weekend shifts (not in my professional field), my manager asked me if I knew her. I briefly explained that she was my intern and that I wasn’t super impressed with her performance back then, though I stressed that she could have grown a lot since then. My manager then rejected her application without an interview, just based on what I said.

Have I been sabotaging her chances at jobs?? This is now two jobs in two months that she has been rejected for, just based on my word. I have worked hard to become a respected professional in my field, and I don’t want to vouch for her and attach my name with hers, but I also don’t want to keep her from jobs. Should I have not said anything? I’ve been stressing for the past week, and I know a situation like this will most likely arise again unless I move out of the area. Help!

You're not sabotaging her chances at finding work. There are many, many jobs that she can apply for where people won't consult you. But when you know the people who are considering hiring her and they ask for your opinion, you should be honest. (See yesterday's letter about the reference who wasn't honest for an example of why!)

You're right to stress that she might have grown since your experience with her, because she might have. You could also mention that it was your first time managing and you didn’t give her much feedback, because that’s relevant. But you also have an obligation to be honest about what her performance was like. And really, this was only two years ago; that's not a ton of time, and so your experience working with her is still very relevant.

And there are consequences to being a kind of crappy intern. That doesn't mean that it should prevent her from ever finding work again, and it won't. But it does mean that if she applies with people who know you — and certainly if she applies at the very organization where the internship happened! — it will be something those people want to take into account.

This is basically what references are all about. If they were exclusively positive, there wouldn't be a lot of point in using them. Sometimes they won't be great.

If you've never discussed with her the sort of reference you'd be able to give her, I'd recommend doing that … although it sounds like she probably knows, given how the volunteer work ended (and indeed, it doesn't sound like she's offered you up as a reference since then).

am I sabotaging my former intern’s job prospects? was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

my office is moving … to my boss’s house

Posted: 22 Mar 2018 09:30 AM PDT

A reader writes:

I work for a small company with two full-time employees, two part-time, and a weekly bookkeeper. My boss is wealthy, mercurial, and often out of the office or traveling. Recently, he announced that he has decided to move our office from our (already small) space into his duplex apartment, which is supposed to be quite luxurious. I am extremely wary of working out of his apartment and the lack of division this would create between personal and business space, not to mention that we are expected to work nine hours (or more) a day and are discouraged from taking more than 20 minutes outside of the office to get lunch. But he wants to save the money and it seems like his mind is already made up.

I really want to express my reservations about the move, and I’m already looking for other jobs. How do I frame my concerns so that they sound professional and not just personal – i.e., that I don’t want to be in his house all day? I’m dreading this move and I feel it will make our company look less legitimate.

I answer this question — and four others — over at Inc. today, where I'm revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

Other questions I'm answering there today include:

  • Can I use troubling info one employee gave me about another?
  • I’m not getting the training I was promised when I took this job
  • How can I tell if a job applicant is detail-oriented?
  • Rejected candidate keeps contacting me

my office is moving … to my boss’s house was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

knowledge swap! share your expertise with people here

Posted: 22 Mar 2018 07:59 AM PDT

Are you good at something and willing to share that expertise with others here? Here’s what I propose for a change of pace:

1. In the comment section below, name something you’re really good at that you’d be willing to answer questions about. It could be Excel, or financial planning, or make-up recommendations, or resolving customer service problems, or anything else that you’re awesome at and willing to take questions on.

2. Ask questions of others, and answer the questions people ask of you.

3. Feel free to leave calls for expertise too — like “how do I get rid of hanging indents in Word?” or “how do I keep people from falling asleep in my presentations?”

If all goes well, then at the end of the day, you will have helped other people and been helped yourself.

knowledge swap! share your expertise with people here was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

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